BREAKING NEWS: We're Out!

It is a sad, sad day here at Why's My Head Growing, because as of today, we are closing the doors for good. It was a good run - almost 2 years, but the times thay are a changing. And it's not you, it's us. We did this...We did this. Shh, shh, it's going to be okay...I know all 27 of you readers are upset, and we thank you from the bottom of our blackened hearts for sticking with us. But before you delete this link from your bookmarks, I want to let you know that there is a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. Because in death, there is life. In life, there is remembrance...or some hokey fucking shit like that.

So, I'll be continuing my high-blood-pressure hate-fueled tirades over at 3:10 to Joba (Full URL: 310toJoba.blogspot.com).

They've been gracious enough to take me in with open arms. Or with brutal indifference, but who's counting, really? But they're good people, and And by "good people" I mean "sarcastic assholes who appreciate the fine art of insult and mock". They encouraged me to bring over some of our retread unique featured posts, so you'll be reading the same shit, just on a different site! WHO'S FUCKING PUMPED?

I predict that I will assimilate smoothly.

Here's one more video for the road before I go. I'll be listening to Bob Seger in the car if you need me.




CLICK HERE TO 3:10 IN CASE YOU MISSED THE OTHER PLUG

Creepy Comparison #75: Cougar Mania

When Ashton Kutcher started bagging Demi Moore, I know most of you had the same reaction as me: Fuck you. Yes, that's right. Fuck him for bagging a cougar that is filled with so much artificial ingredient, she will probably look amazing until the day she keels over. And to top it off, not only did he woo Demi Moore, but he also befriended her ex in the process, Bruce Willis. Well, you gotta give respect in that regard.

Now, Justin Masterson, he's another story altogether. I fear him. Seriously. Because when Jonathan Papel-asshole's shoulder dislodges and his arm tears off and whacks some Portsmith hick's head sitting in the stands, Masterson will step in and make the seamless transition to the closer role. He has a 3/4 delivery that throws batters off, and his fastball consistently hits the mid-nineties. I'm convinced he could be a dominate starter as well, but I'd rather have to face the guy only when the Yankees are down and facing a loss.

Another One Joins the Ranks

John Maine is headed to the DL. Is there no end in sight for the growing list of injured players over in Queens?

I think the Mets can take solace in the fact that they're winning games even with half their team beat-up or down for an extended period of time. It also builds character. Like cutting the lawn. Who likes to mow the lawn? It's hot, it's fucking arid, dirt gets in your mouth, your friends drive by and yell shit at you. It sucks. But apparently it makes you a better person. So hopefully the Mets can look at these injuries, and the holes in their rotation and lineup, and pretend it's like mowing the lawn.

Friday Video: Mike Francesa is Insane

A lot of people hate Mike Francesa. More than a lot; a ton. He's brash, quick to the jump the gun, chugs Diet Coke like it's Fountain of Youth elixir, and refuses to accept anyone's opinions but his own. But you gotta hand it to the guy, at least he's consistent. And for that, I respect him. I respect him more because I saw him at a wedding last year and he was wearing a white blazer and an open collar like he was a stand in for John Cazale in, "The Godfather II", but that's beside the point.

This clip is from earlier this week. A caller suggests that Joba is the Yankees best starter. Mike does not like that. What you are about to see is a man tip-toeing the line between excited and heart attack. Awesome.

Madness? This...Is...IMPOSSIBLE!

What was once relatively unlikely, now seems to be almost a sure thing - barring some unforeseen ostrich poaching - Randy Johnson will win his 300th game. And what a milestone it is, because Johnson will probably be the last pitcher to EVER DO IT.

Yes, I am fully aware that every time this statement is said in relation to some sports record, the record is immediately broken, and the person who voiced it is taken away to the Gulag and bludgeoned to death with a cane. But fuck that. This shit isn't happening - ever again. Not ever. Especially not in this age of pussy managers pulling their pitchers after a hundred pitches. We have evolved! We have grown bigger and stronger! If 5'2'' Sandy Koufax could take the mound every fourth day and toss 200+ pitches, so can everyone else!

The 300 career win milestone may disappear soon, and sooner than you think. Only four active players currently have more than 200 wins (Pedro with 214, is not active, so fuck off) - Randy Johnson: 299, Jaime Moyer: 249, Andy Pettitte: 219, and John Smoltz: 210. Out of these players, only Pettitte is under 40 years of age (36).

And believe it or not, there are many people and fans out there that tend to think that some dominate active pitchers will hit the 300 win plateau, no matter what age said player is, not matter what limitations said player faces, and no matter what the real experts predict. Well, all you happy-go-lucky believers out there, here's some advice: don't hold your breath. Actually, on second though, do, because it will afford humanity a few less assholes to support.

Here's a list of players who have an "outside" shot at 300. And by "outside" I mean "no". To make things fair, I'm putting them all on the same career path: We will assume that each pitcher will be a starting pitcher until they're 42.


The Cagey Vets
I'm mathematically eliminating these 35-and-under guys that are in the 130-200 win range, because it's just not happening for them: Livan Hernandez - (151), Tim Hudson (146), Barry Zito (124), Kevin Millwood (146), Jeff Suppan (131), and Javier Vasquez (131).


1. Johan Santana, 30, 116 Wins

Arguably the games best left-handed pitcher, Santana has consistently reeled off double-digit win seasons since moving into the Twins rotation full-time in 2003. But, in order to get to 300 wins, with 12 more years left, Santana must average at least 15 wins per season. Naga-naga-nagana happen.


2. CC Sabathia, 28, 121 Wins

Experts tend to watch CC like NASCAR: It's only matter of time before something happens, right? Right? He's so fat! He's so big! His hat is crooked, that can't be a good sign! When is he going to lapse into a diabetic coma? Well, I don't think it will happen any time soon. Since coming into the league at 20 years old in 2001, Sabathia has yet to pitch less than 180 innings per season. He's even gone as high as 253, very rare for this day and age of 6 inning "warriors". But he still needs to average about 13 wins per season for the next fourteen seasons. That's a lot of fat jokes.


3. Roy Halladay, 32, 139 Wins

Doc has the kind of pitching style that may afford him a decent shot - he's not a power pitcher and doesn't rely on a curveball, which induces serious stress on the pitching elbow. With ten seasons left, he needs to average 16.1 wins per season. It's hard to underestimate the man, but it's also hard to think he'll actually pull it off. Kind of like you and that girl you're trying to fuck. She's way out of your league. Why not go after the fatso in the corner with zero self-esteem and back tits? Hey, it could be worse...


Roy Oswalt, 31, 130 Wins

Every season, experts predict the demise of Roy Oswalt. And every season, he ends up turning things around. Last year, around this time, he was awful, having a 4-5 record and an ERA of 5.45. By September, he was chalking up his 17th victory. Don't count the guy out. No, not because he's resilient, but because he carries a fucking gun. Seriously. Stay the fuck away from him.


The Young Guns

1. Tim Lincecum, 25, 29 Wins

It sounds minimal - 29 wins - but if he is able to keep his 5'10'' frame healthy, pitch into his early forties without any setbacks, and play on a competitive team, he will only have to average 16 wins per season...For the next 17 seasons. See what I did there?

2. Zach Greinke, 25, 42 Wins

I don't what the doctors prescribed Greinke - I assume it goes something like this - but if he has suddenly turned into the dominate pitcher he was supposed to be when the Royals drafted him, he will only need to keep his shit together and win another 258 more games! I wonder how many CVS refills is that?

3. Cole Hamels, 25, 40 Wins

Hamels may be crawling his way back after postseason surgery, but does he have enough to sustain a long, productive career? 260 wins left - it's daunting. And keep in mind that Hamels plays in Philly, which is the equivalent of playing in Satan's Asshole. That has to take it's toll on a man, right?

Creepy Comparison #74: Songs That Make You Naked

When I was a freshman in college, stumbling around seedy bars with a cigarette dangling from my mumbling lips, drinking floaters off tables, "Thong Song" became a hit. It would come on, and immediately I'd be returned from whatever foggy dark place I was lost in. Girls would robotically jump up onto bars and drop their pants or lift their skirts. It was like a rock star just walked in and ordered a tall glass of half-nudity. Many of the co-eds shaking their asses on the bar did not belong there. But many of them did. What a time in was.

So, the other guy is Jimmy Rollins. Although I am not a Mets fan, I do hope Rollins catches Swine Flu, because he is an asshole, a rotten, rotten asshole, who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. Too harsh for your virgin ears? Grow up, I'm half-kidding. I actually hope he catches the bubonic plague.

Brilliance Avoided

There are, or will be, times in your life when you feel that everyone else is the person who devises that "great" idea. You feel like you just can't get a verbal handle on all those brilliant thoughts swimming through your mind, but Joe Jackoff can, and this makes you angry, or depressed, or pushes you over the edge and forces you to bring a carbine rifle into work. It happens. Let's face it.

Well, we can all rest assured for now, because at least we all know we're smarter than the VP of promotions for Major League Baseball. Red fucking hat day? Really, asshole? This was not a good idea. It was a terrible idea. It was similar to watching a little league all star game, where the league's board member were too cheap to shell out for the matching t-shirt and instead provides the poor little fuckers with a cheap, not-suited-for-even-Wal-Mart-quality fishnet hat. GAY!

This is a billion dollar business, the MLB, so who the fuck okayed this shit? It looked AWFUL. And in no way is this a tribute to our active or fallen soldiers.

I imagine dickhead-in-charge-had this to say:

"Hey guys, just so you know, every player will be wearing an MLB licensed red hat for you today! Look, look, we assimilated the American flag into each team's emblem! We hope this small yet kind gesture makes you feel full of pride while you dodge exploding roadside bombs and stray bullets fired by a 12-year-old fanatic, and for those of you who have returned home, protesters with swollen trust funds a knack for back door bigotry! Hooray for the U.S.-of-fucking-A!"

You should be de-balled. A representative from each branch of the military should be allowed to walk up to you and knee you in the cock. You're worthless at your job, and your ideas are worse than the guy who invented camouflage uniforms. Unless that was you too, and then you deserve to be quartered before Game 1 of the World Series. And here's one last piece of advice: die.